The Power Transformation Podcast
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The Power Transformation Podcast
123. Surviving Trauma, Finding Healing, and Speaking Boldly with Paul Doughty
What if resilience could be your ultimate superpower? Motivational speaker and author of Resilience My Ultimate Superpower, Paul Doughty shares his inspiring journey of turning hardships into strength, from overcoming domestic violence and addiction to embracing forgiveness and self-love. With humor and powerful insights, Paul reveals how his path of personal growth and mentorship has shaped his mission to empower young adults and foster resilience, teaching us how to transform adversity into a purposeful and fulfilling life.
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Episode 123's Affirmation:
I embrace each day with resilience, knowing that every challenge I face is an opportunity to grow stronger and wiser.
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Did you know that resilience can be your superpower? Well, my guest today definitely knows that, because Paul Doughty proudly proclaims that resilience is his superpower, and his life has had so many twists and turns, obstacles and challenges, yet he continues to thrive above it all and he empowers youth to do the same through his speaking platform of motivational and inspirational speaking events. So today's guest on the Power Transformation podcast is Paul Doughty, and we're going to jump right into his interview. But first, welcome to the show. I am your host, alethea Felton. I am so happy that you joined me today.
Alethea Felton:Thank you to all of you who have been with me from the very beginning or earlier inception of this podcast, and thank you for those of you who could be brand new and joining me. I encourage you to please follow and also leave a five-star rating, as well as leave feedback. Your feedback is valuable and it is because of you that this podcast is able to be in the top 5% of podcasts globally, and we are continuing to rise stronger day by day. Let's begin with our affirmation. I will say the affirmation once and then you repeat it and we'll get right into this life changing interview with Paul Doty. Interview with Paul Doughty. I embrace each day with resilience, knowing that every challenge I face is an opportunity to grow stronger and wiser. I am so excited to have Paul Doughty here on the Power Transformation Podcast. Welcome, paul.
Paul Doughty:Lethea hello, hello all the audience. Thanks for having me as a guest on your show. I much appreciate that.
Alethea Felton:Of course. And resilience, Paul, is your superpower and we are going to dive right into that because you definitely have a power transformation story. But before we do that, let's just have a fun, lighthearted, icebreaker question. And that question for you is Paul, when you were growing up, what types of things did you like to do for fun?
Paul Doughty:I remember playing with army men. Little army men. They used to set up and then throw things at them. Like you know, they got killed. And little cars, little matchbox cars. I used to play with a lot of time and unfortunately I did some bad things for fun too. As an example, I was a bad kid, so there was a mailbox in front of the house and I filled it with apples one time.
Alethea Felton:Oh, my goodness, wait a minute. So were there apple trees near where you lived, or did you get them from your house? Where do you get the apples?
Paul Doughty:Yeah, what made me think of it is I used to play with the Matchbox cars under the apple tree, and the apple tree was also under the tree was the mailbox. It wasn't too far away from where I played.
Alethea Felton:So, in terms of the mailbox, would it be in your mailbox or neighbor's mailboxes?
Paul Doughty:No, no, this is the US mailbox, one of the blue mailboxes. Oh yeah, you know this is illegal.
Alethea Felton:I'm thinking you went in the neighborhood and put them in neighbor's mailbox. Oh my gosh.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, so since we're talking about transformation.
Alethea Felton:I also put a hose in it at one point, put the water, turned the water on and put a hose in the US. Oh, my goodness, Wow, Talk about a turnaround story. Now that is hilarious. Oh, the get into. Next is that you know, we know that resilience is your platform and what you speak on and what you're all about. But, Paul, if you could describe who you are, how would you respond to the question of who is Paul Doty?
Paul Doughty:Well, that's a tough question, but I'm going to answer it. From how I thought you asked it, paul is a spiritual being. Paul thinks that we are not a human person having a spiritual experience, we are a spiritual person having a human experience. I'm a very spiritual person. I'm very giving. I'm very honest, I have person. I'm very giving. I'm very honest, I have integrity. I love my family. That's the type of person that I am. I like to help people. So I'm a very yeah, I'm a giving person. So, if that's how you were asking the question, at least that's who Paul Doty is from within.
Alethea Felton:Thank you so much for that and, Paul, you've definitely captured who you are as a person Now with this platform of resilience, and we'll dig more into your actual journey. But just explain to us, Paul, what do you do? Are you a speaker, Are you a coach? Are you a teacher? What do you do in this area of resilience and what does resilience mean to you?
Paul Doughty:Yeah, what I'm doing is since my motive is to help others, and especially young adults and teenagers, because I feel that they need the most help, at least initially that I'm focused on that age group because I needed the most help, I think back then. So, resilience to me and I think I, I, as we said, as you said, we'll go back and and kind of talk about my story, but the seeds of resilience were planted for me from my mother and my grandmother. But resilience to me is, you know, a lot of times they talk about the definition of resilience is the ability to bounce back after some traumatic event, but it's really growing in the process. It's about coming stronger and with every challenge that we overcome because resilience is a journey you have to build that resilience. It's not something that you are given. You may be giving it, but you have to develop the resilience. So, yeah, resilience to me is and you may be giving it, but you have to develop the resilience. So, yeah, resilience to me is and you may be going here with this question so the resilience to me and part of the message that I communicate to the young adults that I speak to, and to answer that question as well is I'm using my speaking business to again help others. So I'm talking to high schools and other communities and young adults and my message goes along with my book.
Paul Doughty:My book, again, is Resilience, my Ultimate Superpower. Empowering Young Lives to Overcome Challenges, or empowering young lives to overcome challenges. And the message within and the message with my speaking is threefold, and one of them is to ask for help, because I never did. You know, I was going through a dark time and I never asked for help. So you need to be able to take that first uncomfortable step and ask for help. And that's where resilience starts, because you can't start to develop and develop yourself and self-discovery and finding out who you are, if you don't first, if you have an underlying problem, like I did, you can't progress forward until you address that underlying problem. So first ask for help, and mine was counseling, which addressed the underlying problem and that allowed me to continue and move forward.
Paul Doughty:And the second thing that I talk about is getting involved, because you have to be involved to start to develop character and when you're involved you develop character and valuable life skills like problem-solving skills, leadership skills, decision-making skills and so forth. Those are skills that you learn when you get involved. Those are skills that you learn when you get involved. And the third is when you're involved, what you're doing is you're coming across challenges and adversity, and when you come across these challenges and these adversities, you go back to those valuable life skills that you're learning to help you build this resilience. And the last thing is embracing self-discovery, really taking that first step out of your comfort zone, because if I wouldn't have taken that first step out of my comfort zone, I wouldn't have been able to find out who the true self and who I really was within. Not until I did that was I able to break down the barriers that I was hiding behind and that allowed me to progress forward.
Alethea Felton:And with that, in terms of breaking down barriers and even getting to that place of embracing self-discovery. It took things in your journey, a lot of different things, to bring you there, and while we can't highlight everything, I do want to at least go back to a part of your childhood, paul, where you shared that you experienced in terms of witnessing domestic violence. And how did that? How did witnessing domestic violence in your childhood, paul? How did it shape your understanding of safety, trust and resilience at such a young age? If you could just tell us briefly about that.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, as mentioned, I did experience childhood domestic violence, from the age of four till about 12, when my parents divorced, and there was one particular incident that really impacted me, because I saw my father really abuse my mother to the point where I thought she was dead. And that incident that I witnessed, that nobody else knew that I witnessed because I was peeking around the corner and that impacted me my whole life and and because what it did is you know when, when you experience trauma like that, you either what fight freeze or flight I froze, I froze, I froze. I say that I was on autopilot going through the motions of life because of that incident. So, as growing up, how it affected me is, I just continued going through life and whatever's. Next, I liked my physics class and in high school I majored in physics. I just did whatever.
Paul Doughty:Next, I was supposed to get married. Well, I had a high school girlfriend I'll get married, and so I just went along and just went along for the ride, not really detached from reality and how that made me feel. Because I was detached. Obviously I was involved in the wrong things. I was at least some of the wrong things, because there were other things that saved me. I was involved in drugs and alcohol, which then just made everything worse. So that's how it affected me. It affected me that I was just detached, I was in a low state of energy, I was fearful, I was shameful. My ego, everything was negative, everything was negative. I didn't trust people. I was like living in a bubble. I say I was keeping everything in and keeping everything out, just trying to survive.
Alethea Felton:That's how it affected me and so it sounds as if you were going through the motions when it came to a lot of things. And so, as you were going through the motions when, how, how long did that happen? And then what was the turning point in your life that really made you say I don't just want to go through the motions of everyday life, I really want to shift my mindset and to really have a new beginning new beginning.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, I was in that state for about 30 years, from the age of five till 35 years old. I got married, I had two children. I was functioning, I was functioning, I had a job, I was doing okay. I graduated college. I didn't have great grades, don't get me wrong, but I graduated college and I was functioning.
Alethea Felton:That's what counts, Paul, is the fact that you graduated? That's what counts it is.
Paul Doughty:I do have a degree.
Alethea Felton:It is yeah.
Paul Doughty:But yeah, so I lost my train of thought now.
Alethea Felton:No, you had the two kids.
Paul Doughty:you were working you graduated and I was in this dark place. I was playing rugby and that takes um, you know, three, four days a week, because you practice two days a week, and then we were traveling on weekends and and, and that that introduced even more drugs and alcohol being involved in that. I mean it's the best sport in the world and some of my best friends, but in it it didn't, it wasn't conducive in in the early 80s when really cocaine and drugs were really bad back then. It's bad now, but back then it was a little different. But anyway, I was in that state and you know there was people. My mother had given me a book two years previously and it sat on the shelf. I had no interest in a book, so but sat on the shelf, I had no interest in a book, so but and I'll get into that so I was in this dark place and I was.
Paul Doughty:I had a DUI. I lost my license for a year and I said I got to do something here. You know I, I, after the DUI I was still drinking. I remember driving home and pulling into the driveway. I woke up the next day my car doors open, wow, you know, like what the hell are you doing and so something you know, something said okay, you know, got to try something here. So that's when I took that first uncomfortable step and nobody wants to take that step to therapy as I did. But there's many ways you could take that step, depending on what you're struggling with. But I was in a bad place. So I started counseling and it was apparent to the counselor when I started that I didn't remember anything. So the counselor wrote my mother a letter and said you better write Paul a letter. And my mother, the counselor, contacted my mother and said you better write Paul a letter because he doesn't remember anything. So my mother wrote me a letter, provided me some context of kind of what happened and when.
Alethea Felton:Paul, really quickly. I don't mean to cut you off, but I'm curious about this. What was that aha? Or even that breaking point where you said I've got to go to counseling. Was it one culminating event that led you to say enough is enough? Like when did you say I've got to get extra help?
Paul Doughty:You know, I was asked that question and I don't know if there was like one incident.
Alethea Felton:Okay.
Paul Doughty:I think it was a combination, a compilation as well, of all these things. Okay, and you know, when you're going to AA meetings too, you know there's some things that turn on some lights there as well. So you know, I don't know if there was any one thing that did it, but I understand, yeah.
Alethea Felton:Um, because I asked that? Because there are people that I have encountered who want to go to therapy, know that they need it, but from their own hesitancy they're like own hesitancy. They're like, well, I'll get to it or I'm not sure. Or they think what they see on TV is how counseling and therapy is and for everybody is different. I've had years of having therapy and it's different for everybody. So your therapist has you to contact your mom, and then what happens from there?
Paul Doughty:Yeah. So she wrote me a letter again, provided me some information and that book that sat on the shelf for two years. I started listening. It was a cassette tape and the book was called 101 Ways to Transform your Life by Dr Wayne Dyer.
Alethea Felton:Dyer, yes.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, and he wrote this is like a compilation of many of his writings and it really opened up my mind to to a lot of things, that there's much more to what we see and the spiritual side of things.
Paul Doughty:And he talked about dropping your ego and, you know, change the perception of what you think about from negative to positive and the whole, that whole attraction thing.
Paul Doughty:So it kind of opened my mind up and with the counseling and the information and watching or listening to this book, that fog started to dissipate a little bit and things started to happen quite honestly and one of them was that again the book and so forth I had just told my wife and kids that I was getting a divorce. Well, wife knew I just told the kids that I was getting a divorce and that I was leaving and I was in IT for 30 years and I was assigned to a project in Cleveland. So the day that I told them I went to the project site in Cleveland and the project site was right next to a church. Project site in Cleveland and the project site was right next to a church and I never used to go to church. Not much interest in church back then, but again, with the reading that I was reading, so I went over to mass a few times at lunch hour the power hour as they call it.
Paul Doughty:So I went to mass a few times and I ended up writing a letter to the priest telling him I'm going through all this change. I just left my wife and kids, I'm in this dark space and I met with the priest and he said the result of that meeting. He said just pray, what is it that you want from me right now, oh Lord? Ok. So I left with that. A. A couple months later, a month or two later, I'm sitting at a bar drowning my sorrows. It was busy, lots of patrons running around, a couple bartenders, a DJ playing music behind me, and I'm sitting there drinking and I look at a bottle of vodka behind the bar and I say to myself what is it that you want from me right now, oh Lord? And soon as I said that, the DJ behind me said yes, that is God, okay. I didn't turn around to look. I didn't need to. I knew he was talking to me.
Paul Doughty:Then another thing happened. I was in this busy public area by the beach and I was looking for a place to pray. This day, again, I wasn't looking. I don't always look for a place to pray. Something was calling me this day. So I said well, I'll just drive along that coastal road and see if I can find a place to pray. So I'm driving along the road and I come down around the corner and I see this big opening and it overlooks the ocean and a lighthouse. So I pull my car down and I come walking up and I look down and there's this circular formation in the ground. It was outlined with rocks. It was a labyrinth, yeah, a labyrinth.
Alethea Felton:Yeah, yes.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, and labyrinths have been used, as you may know, for thousands of years as a spiritual tool for meditation and reflection, and a labyrinth has one way in and one way out.
Alethea Felton:And.
Paul Doughty:I started walking through this labyrinth and I get to the center of the labyrinth and I look down, there's this little pile of rocks and sticking out of this pile of rocks is a crucifix of Jesus and this overlooks the ocean. That has a lighthouse and this lighthouse flashes one, four, three. The light goes one and four, three, four. I love you.
Alethea Felton:Okay, yes, uh-huh.
Paul Doughty:So somebody was trying to tell me something, right, yeah?
Alethea Felton:exactly. That's super natural, no doubt.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, and what ended up happening is I made the decision that on September 12th 1998, I made the decision to quit drinking and it's been 26 years since I've had a drink Wow, and that all occurred Like you asked. That occurred, this doesn't. You, don't snap your fingers. The drinking thing did I just. I said I'm done. And it was divine intervention. And I'm done. I haven't even thought of it, you know.
Alethea Felton:Since Paul, as you're going through your healing journey, I just want to backtrack a little bit. What is the hardest truth that you had to learn and face about yourself?
Paul Doughty:To forgive, yeah, yeah. You can't move forward if you can't forgive and you can't let go of what the underlying issue is if you can't forgive of what the underlying issue is.
Alethea Felton:If you can't forgive, so that has to be number one, exactly, and audience.
Alethea Felton:Just for some clarity here, I don't have time to interview Paul about everything in his life, but if you read his book and if you follow more of his you know speeches you will learn he experienced so much in his life in terms of trauma, adversity, challenges, and a lot of us do. I mean life will always have us with our back against the wall sometime and it's all about how we navigate through it. So, so there's so much, even when it comes to him experiencing abusive relationships, and so much in his childhood that we can't even talk about due to the time, in terms of how his grandmother and football were really really pivotal parts in your life. But when you say that therapy, spiritual awakening as well as quitting drinking saved your life, but when you say that therapy, spiritual awakening as well as quitting drinking saved your life. So what specific internal work, paul, did you do to truly embrace transformation as opposed to just brushing past it or not taking it seriously? What was the real in-depth work that you did?
Paul Doughty:Yeah, it's letting go. It's letting go. It's letting go of that fear, of that jealousy, of that anger that we talked about. And when you let go of that ego, that ego that comes with it and what the ego that society tells us that we're supposed to be and how we're supposed to feel anger, and we're supposed to be angry and we're supposed to be this, and so you had to drop that perception. And again, as I said, you have to perceive.
Paul Doughty:You know, as Dr Dyer says, people think that the world is either good or bad. To break it down simply, and if you go around thinking everything is negative and bad, that's what you're going to attract, that's what you're going to energy that you're going to put off. And if you, if the opposite side of that is, have a positive mindset, and when you have that positive mindset you project a different energy, you attract different things. So, as you said, life is hard, it's about how hard you get hit and keep going. So it was really that, it was really letting go and trusting, because I did become very spiritual and you know I don't preach or anything like that, but you know I trust, I trust in the plan.
Paul Doughty:I've been praying for 40 years that I trust in our plan, father. I trust in it, so I let it come to me. I let it come to me and one of the biggest things I think I learned, which is part of resilience, is that I don't let the actions of others affect me. I control what my actions. I don't let the actions of others control me. I'm responsible for my actions and reactions and if I can, if I'm able to control that, yeah, I can't If I let somebody else make me feel happy, sad, angry, whatever it may be, that's like letting somebody else dictate how I feel and I don't let that happen. That's like being in prison to me. I don't, I've been there and I don't let that happen. That's like being in prison to me. I don't. I've been there.
Alethea Felton:I don't want to be there, wow.
Paul Doughty:So just let go, just let go.
Alethea Felton:How did your children react to your transformation?
Paul Doughty:I don't. I don't know if they saw it. I mean they saw that I quit drinking. Right, they understood that. Let me back up a little bit. I mean they had to see it. Right, they saw that I quit drinking. I became a different person. Now, why I think I kind of hesitated is because I have six kids.
Alethea Felton:Oh, okay, okay, I was one of the two.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, I have two kids with my first wife. Okay, I have three step kids with my second ex-wife and a third we my second wife. I had a child, so we had.
Alethea Felton:Oh, okay, okay, Makes sense. So let me rephrase that question with the two oldest kids, who saw a lot of it have they talked to you about the transformation that you've made, or anything like that? How did it affect them?
Paul Doughty:You know, they haven't. They are rather quiet.
Alethea Felton:I got you my first two children, yeah.
Paul Doughty:You know what occurred is my daughter came to one of my talks.
Alethea Felton:Oh.
Paul Doughty:Where I talk about what occurred. And you know, and my other son listened to a podcast that I was on and they're like, wow, I didn't know those things. I was like, no, nobody did Because, again, I didn't tell anybody. So I think they've learned over the course of my new career that they're learning what I went through. And you know, because I told my, my first, my daughter. After that first talk, I said, Katie, I could have been married to anybody, I could have been married to Marilyn Monroe, and it wouldn't have mattered. Wow, it wouldn't. And so I think she understood a little bit better after that, because they always question why did you leave? And and, um, you know, I, I, at the time we had gotten together and my first wife was, she replaced my mother, quite, honestly, I learned that therapy and everything Right.
Paul Doughty:So she was very caring and she took that mother role and that's why I kind of got married again.
Alethea Felton:I was lost at this time.
Paul Doughty:Right, I was lost. So they understood after. After they hear my speeches and you know, read my book.
Alethea Felton:And I ask that specifically and I like how you answer that is because sometimes, while I don't have children of my own, I do have parents who are still alive, still married, et cetera. But one of the things that I've come to realize as a woman now is that when kids are kids, we typically see our parent as just the parent. But as I've grown more into adulthood I've realized and I just said this to my mom, if not last night, a couple of nights ago is how I see more intimately now that just because there are parents, there's still adults navigating their own lives, working through their own issues. The children come with that, but it's a separation where kids only see mom is mom, dad is dad.
Alethea Felton:But in the big picture. In the big scheme of things, they're human beings trying to do their very best to navigate this world, and so, therefore, that's why I ask that, because it shows more of the humanness and what you've had to do to fight through the darkness and just that, through the drinking. You've had depression in the past, suicidal thoughts, lyme disease I mean, paul, when it rains, it pours sometimes, and so not in light of those situations. But what became, in addition to the spiritual awakening, what became your lifeline during those moments, and how did you learn to shift from loss to purpose, and what fuels your passion to empower people today?
Paul Doughty:Wow, as I said, I really like to help people and what fuels my passion, I think that is kind of what I didn't do of not speaking up and what I did do of being involved in, in playing sports and having a um, a mentor, a supportive adult like my grandmother that saved me, and she didn't even know it, um, it's. It's those types of things that allowed me to, to, to stay in a positive zone, to to really and I really fell back when I, when I kind of came to this awakening, I, I really fell back, fell, fell back on my spirituality and and really trusting and really, you know, if you and Dr Dyeryer talks about, is just turning it over and turning it over to God and say take this for me, you know, help me, you know, and just turn it over and let. The result, as I said, not going to let if somebody acts like an idiot and calls me an idiot, so what? And then having the trust underneath that that you know that everything is going to be okay. That makes you grounded, it really grounds you and provides you with a sense of peace, provides you with a sense of peace and a sense of of purpose, and when you get to that place, then you, you, you realize that there you do have these gifts that you can help people.
Paul Doughty:So, with the, with what I had gone through, and my, my, my, my fuel to want to help others, and and having the ability to talk to others and and and have an influence, that's where it kind of all came together, and and and and allows me to to try to help these young adults because, um, you know, as an example, of the teenagers that are struggling, only 35% of them ask for help. 65% of teenagers that are struggling with whatever they are struggling with that they are struggling with many things only 35% ask for help thing, only 35% ask for help. And so I, you know, that's that shows, that highlights right there that we need a better supportive environment for these kids, and I'm trying to a little bit that I can, I'm trying to help.
Alethea Felton:Yeah, now, I like how you said that in, in terms of you doing your best to try to help. Suppose there's somebody listening right now or watching and say, well, okay, he's gone through a lot, but he just makes this look so simple. I mean, look at him and look at where he is now, but say, if a person says my world is falling apart underneath me Say, hypothetically, a person's worked on a job for many years, they think this is the place I'm supposed to be. Then all of a sudden, boom, they lose their job. They don't know what they're going to do. Next, paul, talk about how pain can truly be converted into purpose and how what might appear to be the worst circumstance or opportunity could actually be the door that needs to open to get you to your next in life.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, I mean, we learn from our challenges and we grow by the adversity that we face. And as an example, I use this story. I'm a big football fan and so I'll use it because, especially since the Super Bowl was just yesterday, I'm a Pittsburgh Steeler fan and so I'll use it because since, especially since the Super Bowl was just yesterday, yes, exactly, I'm a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, unfortunately. So my coach is Mike Tomlin and I was listening to a press conference this year the preseason, and it was preseason. He was talking about the rookies and he was talking about the first year players, the rookies, and putting them in a preseason game against the other team's all pros, their best players. And he said I put them in there to challenge them. I put them in there so they could learn about themselves. I put them in there so they could know what they need to do to get better there, so they could know what they need to do to get better. So you're not going to be able to overcome challenges until you overcome challenges and so, because you grow, you grow stronger in that process.
Paul Doughty:So you know, is there an easy answer for one that is struggling with whatever it may be drugs and alcohol, or a job loss or anything. No, it's not an easy answer. I mean, I just lost a job a couple years ago. I was in IT. For 30 years I was with one of the big three consulting firms and for 16 years consulting firms, and for 16 years they let me go and I was in the middle of a divorce, I was in the middle of a refinance and in the middle of Lyme disease. This was all occurring at the same time and this is when I was suicidal. We talked and I had the TMS therapy a whole nother discussion, but I had therapy that got me out of that.
Paul Doughty:Is there an easy answer? No, but you have to. But again, I'm making it sound simple, I am, and that is having trust and having the knowing that everything is going to be OK, the knowing that everything is going to be okay. And if you have a spiritual kind of sense and you have this knowing and you, you, you, you can get through it. But I mean, and then you have to, just you know, and then once you, once you get to a point where you, you understand because what a lot of times what happens is we don't stop long enough to say what's going on here.
Alethea Felton:What is?
Paul Doughty:really, what's really happening here? Right, we were, we're in the just the normal days of life. We just keep going, we go, we just go through the motions, we just keep going. And, like I, you know, I had to stop in my second marriage and say what's going on here, what's?
Alethea Felton:going on.
Paul Doughty:This isn't right, yeah. And so sometimes you just have to like, stop. And almost what I tell the kids is, it's almost like you separate and look at yourself in that situation and, looking at yourself, what decision does he need to make? Right, so almost pull yourself out of the situation, look at it from from a distance, and that's how you can really stop and think and you get a little clearer. And again, when you're a little clearer, you have some knowing and you have some faith you can get through those things.
Paul Doughty:But if you're trying to get through them on your own without getting help, if you're trying to get through them with drugs and alcohol, trying to numb the pain as I did for so many years, the pain as I did for so many years, you'll stay in that place. You have to want to be able to get to that next thing. It's all here, it's all you. It's all you. Don't blame if you lost your job. Don't blame somebody else. Don't say, ah, that SOB, I can't get a job. No, don't do that. Just again, it's up to you. Control what you can control.
Alethea Felton:Yeah, that is beautifully stated. And what I gleaned from that or gained from that also, paul, that I think is so important. People may see you or me and say, wow, they've experienced a lot of things in their life, yeah, but look at them now, and I've had to inform people that the work and the practice and the continuation of implementing what we got from therapy or just our own lives, that never stops. It's ongoing, yeah, continued work, and it does not happen overnight. Now, when I got to a particular place, I look back on things and I say, wow, looking back on it, those years went by quickly, but when you're doing the work, it never ends, it just does not stop. And so you know hearing all of that.
Alethea Felton:I think self-love and compassion are key things, but but oh, this intrigues me to ask. We hear a lot about this whole self-love thing now, in 2025. And most people embrace it, but a lot of people think, well, self-love, does that mean you're going to be selfish? No, but my question to you is, paul what does self-love mean to you and how does it differ from the ways that you sought validation in your past?
Paul Doughty:Well, I think self-love is is accepting who you are. You're, you're, you're, you're quirks that you know, you're, you're, you're that you're weird, you're that you're weird, that you're beautiful, that you're magic, that you're quirky, that you have pimples, you have whatever. I mean. Just accept yourself, and so that's first. You have to first accept who you are, and it doesn't. Again, that allows you to say I'm comfortable with myself, I'm comfortable with who I am. And the second part of the question, lethe, I'm sorry.
Alethea Felton:Is how does self-love, how does it differ from how you sought validation in your past? From how you sought validation in your past? So what I'm asking is I think you hit on something powerful. Is that self-love also goes hand in hand with acceptance? But in the past, seeking validation, maybe not even from a person, but from the drink having that alcohol numbed you, it made you feel better in that moment. How is that different from your embracing of who you are on your journey of self-discovery?
Paul Doughty:Yeah Well, you know, when you're in that dark place, know you're. You're not doing the right things, you're not treating people the right way yeah um, you're again in a in a in a in a late in a low energy state, in that low energy state. So, um, I, I, I lost my train of thought.
Alethea Felton:No, it's totally fine, this is just a conversation.
Paul Doughty:This is just us talking.
Alethea Felton:Yes, yes, and you really didn't lose your train of thought from what I'm hearing. I think that you make a good point in that it's important to note that where you are now in the space and place, you're not the same person and in that moment you're doing it because it's there, because it's something that helps you numb a lot of what you are feeling. And I ask that specifically because of the fact there are people who are still going through the motions. They may have attained a certain level of achievement and success, and it's important, even in your audience with teens, as they're still going through hormonal changes and life changes and dealing with things at home is that I think it's so very important for them to really understand the importance of accepting themselves now and knowing they're going to continue evolving and growing and being.
Alethea Felton:Whereas I know that I can speak for myself, in high school I always had what I thought was high self-esteem, but as I lived life, I noticed there were a lot of things about myself that I wasn't accepting of and it took years to actually get there. So, as we come to a close, you know, for a person, specifically a teenager, who is your audience, for a teen or a young adult who may feel trapped already in a destructive cycle, whether it's toxic relationship with friends, whether it's drama at home, whether it's some type of an addiction because sadly, addictions are happening even to our youth or just self-doubt and not being certain of themselves. What's a crucial first step, paul, that they can take to begin their own transformation?
Paul Doughty:Yeah, I mean, as we said, you have to ask for help is the first step. Ask for help is the first step and that entails, you know, there's many times where we don't ask for help because we feel embarrassed or it's normal or we justify our feelings that everything will be okay. But what I think is important is to find that trusting adult like I had in my grandmother, because what it allows you to do, I mean, you look for this and you know the question is, where do you find this trusting adult? Right? And you can look for trustworthy traits like empathy and patience and understanding.
Paul Doughty:And you know, I always tell the young adults that you know someone that encourages or celebrates success, like a teacher or a coach like you, and you know I always say that there's not a teacher in this building or a counselor or coach in this building that would not welcome you coming and asking for help, right, and so it's that you know that they think that you know adults aren't approachable is another reason why we don't ask for help. But the main reason I think is the reason why young adults are somewhat reluctant to ask for help is because how they'll be labeled by their peers as somebody that has a problem and that's, I think, is the biggest thing, and I know it probably was for me as well. Many of those things I just discussed were for me, so you know again that everybody has. I try to explain that everybody has a problem. You know, some are big and some are small but everybody has a problem.
Alethea Felton:Every family has some type of dysfunction. Sure does.
Paul Doughty:Yeah, you know, some are big and some are small, but everybody has a problem. Every family has some type of dysfunction. Yeah, so you know it's normal, it's normal to be that. So you know, I tried to get that across to the young adults and one of the things that I should mention in closing here as well. Another book that kind of helped me was Power Versus Force. I forget the author's name, oh, david Hawkins. David Hawkins, power Versus Force, and what he talks about there is the different levels of energy and that everything has an energy and you can attract these different energy levels and the lowest levels energy, or, you know, fear and shame, and everywhere where I was living for the longest time and then the highest levels of energy, or love, and you know um and compassion and yes, and that's kind of where I had gone, have gone. So you know there's a transformation there as well, that you have to change again the inside, the way that you're coming across to people, either good or bad. So come across good, come across positive, and you'll attract positive things.
Alethea Felton:Indeed, you will, and I know that you do speak on stages and things like that, paul. Are these virtual stages in person? If a person wants to connect with you more and perhaps even get you to come and speak to a group of young adults or students, or they want to read your book, how can a person connect with you?
Paul Doughty:The best place would be to go to my website, because that'll really point you to all the other social sites and so forth. Excuse me, and that is PDSpeakscom PDSpeakscom, pauldotyspeakscom and my book will be there, as well as all the information that you would need a contact form if you'd like to get in touch with me, just complete that, and if you have any questions, I would surely make time to answer those, so please do.
Alethea Felton:And Paul, as a closing question describe yourself as a resilient superhero. What would that look like?
Paul Doughty:Teflon and water Quite simple. Again, it really comes down to that. I'm in control of myself and the other people's actions I don't worry about. They can call me an idiot, they could be an idiot, it doesn't matter. I'm in control of myself. So if you are in control of your actions and your reactions, then you're in a good spot. Then you're in a good spot.
Alethea Felton:Indeed and Paul, you have been such a refreshing guest to really give encouragement, hope and light to people. It is so needed, just not in our country, but around the world, where a lot of people have on what I say are clown faces, where they're smiling on the outside but inside could truly be breaking, and your message is needed. Your voice is powerful. So, even on the tough days, continue to press forward and push ahead, and it has been my honor, Paul, having you here as a guest on the power transformation podcast. Thank you.
Paul Doughty:Thank you, thanks for having me.
Alethea Felton:Thank you for tuning in to this episode of the Power Transformation Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe, leave a five-star rating and write a review. It helps us inspire even more listeners, and don't keep it to yourself. Even more listeners, and don't keep it to yourself. Share it with someone who could use a little power in their transformation. Until next time, keep bouncing back, keep rising and be good to yourself and to others.
