The Power Transformation Podcast
The Power Transformation Podcast hosted by Alethea Felton, celebrates the resilience, determination, and hope of entrepreneurs, thought leaders, and visionaries who have conquered adversity and various challenges to create meaningful lives.
With her own inspiring journey of living with autoimmune disease since birth (and now thriving), overcoming severe stuttering, and more, Alethea's authenticity adds depth to intimate conversations with her guests who have overcome extraordinary obstacles.
Alethea's heart-centered, introspective, and engaging style elevates this podcast into a movement that inspires listeners to embrace their inner strength, cultivate empowerment, and rise wiser, stronger, and more courageous to achieve their next level of success.
The Power Transformation Podcast
106. Grief to Empowerment: Healing & Resilience After Loss with Tina Fornwald
Have you ever wondered how sometimes the most profound loss could lead you to a greater calling and mission in your life? A retired Army Chief Warrant Officer, ordained minister, and empowerment life coach, Tina Fornwald chose to turn the extraordinary challenges of grief (when her husband of 32 years, Mark, died suddenly) and her journey of surviving breast cancer into a beacon of healing and hope for others.
Through her nonprofit work and the insightful podcast "Widowhood Real Talk with Tina," Tina discusses her inspiring journey of healing grounded in faith, family, and community. While sharing heartfelt reflections on grief, faith, and community, Tina offers insights that can empower you to shift heartache into resilience and to discover strength you may never have known you have.
Connect with Tina:
Episode 106's Affirmation:
I am strong and resilient even when I am faced with loss.
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Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of the Power Transformation Podcast. I am your host, lethea Felton. I am so happy that you joined me today, and today's guest is yet another incredible human being, none other than Tina Thornwald, a Chicago native, retired Army Chief Warrant Officer. And Tina has dedicated her life to service, empowerment and, of course, resilience. You see, tina, after 32 cherished years with her late husband, mark, and after surviving a victorious battle with breast cancer, she found healing and purpose through faith, family and connecting with other widows and widowers when her husband, mark, died suddenly. So today, as an ordained minister and empowerment life coach, tina offers support and guidance to others navigating loss, and the beauty of it all is that life comes full circle, because in 2022, she found love once again, and so we're going to be talking to Tina today about how her life journey has come full circle, from having faced incredible grief and loss to truly changing it into something quite empowering that is helping the lives of thousands upon thousands of people locally and globally. So I want to thank you for tuning in today. This is going to be an incredible conversation and, if you're new to the Power Transformation podcast, I welcome you with open arms and, of course, those of you who have been with me since the beginning. Thank you Very soon. Soon, y'all. We are coming up on season three soon and I will be having some upcoming announcements in December regarding season three.
Alethea Felton:But let's jump right into this interview with Tina. I'd like you also to share this interview with so many people that you know, especially those who could be experiencing grief and loss. Tina is definitely an expert in this area, through her organization as well as through her podcast platform, widowhood Real Talk with Tina. So let's go ahead and start with our affirmation. I will say the affirmation once and then you repeat it. I am strong and resilient even when I am faced with loss.
Alethea Felton:I am so thrilled today to have Tina Fornwald here on the Power Transformation Podcast. Hey, tina, holy Tia. Oh, girl got all my favorite color purple, purple, purple. And you know what. I don't know if you ever told me that, but this morning, when I looked through to see what was I going to wear, I was led to purple, and I try to be very keen to what spirit tells me. So I said okay, so it worked out perfectly. Of course, we're perfect in our purple, but it is such a joy to have you here and we are going to have such a wonderful conversation, but with all of my guests, I always like to start with a random icebreaker question. That's the former teacher in me and just the inquisitive child that I was. This is the question.
Alethea Felton:Okay, don't think too hard about it, just have fun with it just go with it, if you could invent any ice cream flavor, what flavors would that ice cream have?
Tina Fornwald:butter, pecan mango and a little bit of raspberry oh, that sounds good and so to that point, when I go to Sweet Frog, I mix those flavors together if they have them. They don't have butter pecan a lot, so I'll take vanilla, the mango and just a little bit of raspberry. I just need to go walk them for five miles afterwards because it's going to do what it's going to do. I do not care.
Alethea Felton:That sounds so good. It's like a tropical with a southern mix to it, all wrapped in one. Oh, that's a nice combination. Okay, I like that, I really do. So. What I want to do up front though it's kind of like backwards planning in a sense what I want you to do up front, before we get into the heart and core tell people how they can connect with you. Why don't you tell them the upfront.
Tina Fornwald:Yeah, okay, thank you. You can connect with me by going to our website, widowhoodrealtalkwithtinaorg. I do have a registered 501c3 nonprofit. That is the best way to come to me. And when you come to our website there's a little welcome screen and you can put in your email address and then I will respond back or someone from the team will, and you'll also receive a complimentary list of things that you should discuss with your loved one. And if you hear all that and go, oh, I don't want that, I just want some content, you can check me out on TikTok, instagram, youtube, all of the socials and look up Widowhood Real Talk with Tinaorg.
Alethea Felton:And y'all. Tina has no idea that I'm going to say this, but Tina is like a celebrity because on TikTok honey, she got it going on, she got a following on TikTok. I said, oh my goodness, look at this social media star. And then, on top of everything else she does and I'm not exaggerating she has a huge following on TikTok. But just in general, the work she does is just so influential and it helps everybody. And so Widowhood, real Talk with Tina. We're going to talk about that. But when we hear the name Tina Formwald, if a person were to ask you who is Tina Thornwald, what would you say?
Tina Fornwald:I would say a hood girl from Chicago, retired army officer, a person that loves people, and I have made serving the bereaved my God-given purpose and accepted that, and I have made serving the bereaved my God-given purpose and accepted that.
Alethea Felton:Serving the bereaved what does that look like?
Tina Fornwald:It depends on the day. Literally just before we started this podcast, I was on the conversation with a widow and going through some difficult moments. Her husband left this world five years ago and a lot of times when you don't sit at that front row, we don't understand the complexity of the layers that are involved in detethering, untangling ourselves from someone's life, All the phone calls we have to make if there's a child involved, benchmarks that they may have in their life. So calling her up because she was heavy on my heart Yesterday was a coaching call with another widow, but the success of that the widow yesterday. She has been sleeping on the couch since her husband passed. She is now sleeping in her bedroom a year and a half later after being coached and encouraged. The other may be, like you mentioned, on TikTok.
Tina Fornwald:On TikTok I do a Tuesday night live at 9.30 pm and there are different topics.
Tina Fornwald:Sometimes it's an open Q&A. It may be also having a particular guest on speaking to things that would be helpful for the community. Or maybe our next coming event, which is Walk for Love, and I'm not sure the timeline of this, but as you go to our website, we have different events, but in August we're doing an event to honor people's loved ones and then in November we have another event helping people to prepare to deal with grief during the holidays. So I'm glad you asked that question because this is the word widowhood is the widow, but your hood is your family. It may have been the widow or widower that passed, but the family members, the friends, the people around that relationship are all impacted when our loved ones transition. So I may support someone that may be the child of someone that passed, or the cousin or the friend, but having the experience I've gone through it allows me to sit in a space with someone and hold that safely and for them to feel secure and comfortable as they go through their grieving process.
Alethea Felton:Indeed, and also I like the fact that, while your organization focuses heavily on widows and widowers, One thing that I respect greatly about you is when I met you and you learned of my grief journey. Although I haven't been a widow, it's just the fact that you still embraced me for the fact that I had still gone through a loss, and so that's why viewers, listeners, everybody out there, even if you haven't experienced widowhood, tina has such a wealth of resources that can get you connected in ways that you can cope and handle your grief. Now, when we talk about this word grief in a simple, basic definition, how would you describe grief? What is grief?
Tina Fornwald:The pain. When you're reaching out for someone or something that is no longer there, the level of that pain may intensify. And I want to say that because maybe you've had a health challenge and you've been accustomed to being able to walk or to be able to do things you're accustomed to. When you reach out for that part of you that no longer exists, grief will happen. We often isolate grief to the loss of a loved one. That has transitioned.
Tina Fornwald:But grief is beyond that. It is when we are physically, spiritually or mentally trying to reach and touch what is no longer there, that we have been accustomed to having, and how that impacts us.
Alethea Felton:Yes, indeed Indeed, and I thank you for that because it does show. Grief can happen in many forms, but this is not something in terms of widowhood, real talk, that you came up with just on a whim. Something happened that sparked you to actually do this. So one thing that you mentioned is your service in the military, and I'm not saying this as a cliche, but I sincerely thank you for your service. Many, many relatives have been military. I will tell you this story offline, but I almost went into the armed forces, so I'll have to tell you that afterwards. Yeah, it is something that I wanted to do, but I've also lost loved ones in the line of duty. So I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart for your service. But take us on that journey of that aspect of your life, but it led you to meeting an absolutely wonderful man. Tell us about how you met this man I'm talking about. I know his name, but I want you to share that and tell us an abbreviated or condensed version of that love story.
Tina Fornwald:Mark and I met in the military. Mark is my late husband. Mark is my late husband and fast forward 32 years of life, two children traveling the world. I'm married for 29 years and the joys, the ups and downs of that and when we and what I say is I successfully fulfilled my marriage vows Because when I speak with people and coaching them and they go well, they died, our marriage ended or he was taken from me.
Tina Fornwald:I believe the narrative in which we scope our life is a huge component of how we deal with life. When I look at my marriage vows and they said till death, do us part with life. When I look at my marriage vows and they said till death, do us part. And even though it was traumatic and it was a way to be there, when Mark left this world after 32 years of spending my life with someone, we both deserved that and I understand that everyone does not get that gift.
Tina Fornwald:Some people may have received a phone call, but I all believe that we receive what's necessary for us in that work of our loved one transitioning. So I have learned to embrace and be grateful for where I was when Mark left this world and I am grateful that our children were adults, that they have a strong memory of who their father is. But at the same time, I consider that a gift, because I know that some people have lost their parents early in life and may not have received that. So, as you can see, my intention is to try to look at every part of my situation and see the good and see the blessing of it, because I can't change it, but what I do with it is going to be my choice.
Alethea Felton:Yes, what about? Mark? Used to make you smile.
Tina Fornwald:That man two things. He could never tell a joke without halfway through it. And then I was trying to figure out what it was. We used to have this thing in the house. We would go who's the funniest? So at the end of the day we would have dinner together and we would share stories of what happened throughout the day. So be Mark, our two children and myself.
Tina Fornwald:We often made him go less, because by the time he started telling the story, even if he won the, I was the funniest. We really didn't know what the story ended because he never finished it. And I was the funniest was just an invisible trophy that we would hold in the house and then until the next iteration we would go I'm the funniest and you could just have your bragging rights. And that was hilarious to me.
Tina Fornwald:Also, my husband was European Caucasian, but the man was like the white Sanford and son and he didn't even see, like if he thought that he had this pen cap and he was going to find the pen. This cap was going to be placed someplace. Until he found that pen, tina would have thrown that away and just it just got to a point. I was like you win, sir. So the garage became his place where he could keep everything about what he was going to find, and it was just okay. But it was just funny watching the intentionality of wanting to keep the cap until everything else was found with it, and just funny to me.
Alethea Felton:That is funny. Actually, the black, the white Sanford is like. That is a funny analogy, but I can see that I definitely can. And in terms of him as a father, how was he as a dad?
Tina Fornwald:Amazing. Mark taught our children. He taught our daughter how to drive One of the things that I think of when you said that was an instance. Children will wait until the night of to say I have a project to turn into school the next day, and no parent wants to hear that. But I remember one time that Catherine, our daughter, said that she had a project to have something baked and take it into school. Mama went to bed. I was like you're going to get an F on that. I am not. But Mark went to the store. He went shopping. They made an apple pie. The top was crisscrossed and it was fabulous and he leaned into that. He was such an intentional father.
Tina Fornwald:He attended all of our children's practice and soccer games. He was the parent when the soccer game was going on, standing on the outside yelling you better, do this, go ahead. But he seemed so quiet and meek where I'm sitting there with the chair going, trying to move my chair away from him because he is jealous, so I'm like the sister going to get kicked out. They going to let you stay at the soccer game, I can't sit next to you and he's just screaming. And he was just so into it. He would attend every practice, every football game, every soccer game. He taught our children how to hunt. He was an international electrical brotherhood member of electrician. He taught our children a trade, how to take care of their home. He taught our son so many different things. He was ever present as a father and a great dad.
Alethea Felton:He just seemed to have a zest for life. He truly appeared to live life not just to the fullest, but beyond the fullest.
Tina Fornwald:I would believe so. Unfortunately, in Mark's family there were cardiac issues known. He had a cousin pass at a very young age and he often told me that he was going to leave this world before ever reaching 60. So I think he lived his life with that intentionality, showing up and being present for the time that he knew that he had in this journey.
Alethea Felton:And you did mention earlier how his death was traumatic. Take us back to that day when he transitioned, what happened, circumstances and how you had to deal with that as a wife and a mother.
Tina Fornwald:Can.
Tina Fornwald:I go back just a little bit before that, of course. Of course you may. The Monday, I was supposed to go on a work trip and when I was at work, I had a strong sense from God that I needed to cancel that trip and I I listened to that and I traveled a lot for work, but that sense was so strong and I've contacted the people that I was supposed to meet with. Now this is 2017. So the idea of doing something via teleconference and other things we were not there as a society as we are now, and after several phone calls, they finally yielded and said okay, you don't have to come. This was the day before I was supposed to get on the plane, so we were in Pennsylvania and the next day that piece was did. I made the right decision. At this point in time, mark was working in Virginia and I was still living in Pennsylvania. We were in the process of trying to relocate and both find jobs there. He found one first. The next day, I had a strong sense that I needed to spend time with him and I was like I'm going to see him for Easter, so I kind of pushed it off, but that that presence was still there. I could hear the Holy Spirit telling me you need to spend time with your husband. And so I called him. And what is any man going to say when his wife going to say can you hang out with me and I ain't seen you for a while? When and where, when and where. And so we met in Delaware. There's a military base there I'm retired army and we stayed on base there and that first night we just hung out. We went to the movies, we went and we I remember I didn't have 10,000 steps yet for the day and after the movie we walked around the mall. We, I remember I didn't have 10,000 steps yet for the day and after the movie we walked around the mall and I remember this guy, security guy, going what are you guys doing here? And like, are you even married? And we looked at each other and said I've been married to this man for 29 years and just finished up my steps for the day.
Tina Fornwald:And we went back the next morning where we were at on base. He went over to get something to eat. He asked me did I want to come over? And I had a different breakfast, that I wanted a fruit salad, and we were just texting back and forth.
Tina Fornwald:He came back, he went into cardiac arrest in the hotel where we were at and we were in the middle of nowhere in the hotel where we were at and we were in the middle of nowhere. So I had to call the front desk to tell them what was going on. And the EMTs and all the people came and so you're on a military base, so they are armed. Their people are just not coming and they were moving me out of the room and I could not believe what was going on. And I remember seeing myself at the end of the hallway screaming into the phone contacting my family because we were three hours away from home, because we met in the middle and just letting people know what was going on. And I remember the police officer telling me where Mark was taken to. And I was like, sir, I don't know what you're talking about, but somebody is either going to drive me or I'm going to follow them I am not in the capacity to and telling them who my husband was.
Tina Fornwald:And when the doctor said, can I speak with you in a private room, I did not want to go because, look, that is not well when they do it on Grey's Anatomy.
Tina Fornwald:It's like I'm not going to go in the private room and I thought at that moment he was going to tell me that Mark had expired. But he told me Mark had endured a major heart attack and 70% of his heart stopped beating Wow, and you just hear 70. And so 70% of your heart not beating that, 70% of your blood not flowing that 70%. And he said we need to see if we're going to make it through the night. And I started reaching out heavily to family. We're going to make it through the night. And I started reaching out heavily to family. My son needed to be released from the military. One of my sisters started working on the Red Cross message and just doing all the things that need to happen.
Tina Fornwald:Once again, I'm in the three hours in the middle of family and friends. So people are now getting in cars. They're trying to get to where I am because I'm there by myself, much to my surprise later going back to find out that where we were they were the top 20 percent cardiac hospital what seemed to me be the most random place we were. But I feel like later that was God's comfort, saying this was his time. It wasn't about him not being at the right place. This was his moment to leave this world and I was grateful that I was there because he would have had that happen in the one bedroom apartment that we had for him in Virginia. I'm glad that I canceled that trip, that we were together and that when he did transition and that night I want to say maybe three to four hours of being in the hospital I was in one final waiting room and the doctor they said we're going to come get you in a little bit and I kept hearing code such and such and I was like that's smart.
Tina Fornwald:That's why they and Tom, I said that's why they haven't come to get me. And they found me when they were there talking to me. Because the other thing I will recommend when you have someone in your life, talk about the difficult conversations we had a DNR, we had all those things. I knew what his wishes were, mark coded 10 to 15 different times and I knew we were not going to make it out of that hospital together. And as the doctor was in there trying to ask me about the DNR, somebody else came in and he was no longer here and informed us. But the doctor literally got down on his knee and he had his hands saying what do you want to do? And I know some people have to make that decision and that is why, when we have these conversations in advance, we know what our loved one wants and we don't have to worry about guessing and I was in disbelief when I was finally able to see his body.
Tina Fornwald:I remember literally falling up on that table and just being devastated and feeling his hand that was cold and knowing that that was the same hand that was literally wrapped around me less than 24 hours ago.
Alethea Felton:My goodness.
Tina Fornwald:I lost my whole mind, yeah, and I am grateful for the medical staff that allowed me to do that. They didn't come in and try to rush me away, but what they did do. When my daughter arrived, they let me know that she was in the building and it allowed me time to gather myself.
Tina Fornwald:So my daughter didn't see me and it allowed me time to gather myself. So my daughter didn't see me. That incapacitated and allowed her space to be able to grieve and be there in that moment. Family and friends came from Virginia and Pennsylvania because we were in Delaware and spent the night with us. The lodging place that we were at made room for everyone. People had to come and pick up Mark's car and I am just extremely grateful for my community, my hood, and that's why I call it Widowhood, because it is now seven years since my husband left this world and in these seven years I've never had a family or friend tell me to stop mentioning his name. Have I gotten over that? Why am I still talking about that? But yet I have connected with other people who hear that in the first three or six months or a year and they feel isolated, they feel like they don't have a safe space to talk about their loved one and I don't want anyone to feel like they are isolated and alone. And that experience altered who I am forever.
Alethea Felton:Oh, we just gotta take that in. That's a lot. That is a lot. But yet, despite the grief and the pain and the loss and everything, it birthed something beautiful, and I've never shared this with you, but even when we first met and I knew what your organization was all about and just your mission was all about, and just your mission.
Alethea Felton:It reminds me so much of some parallels between the great and legendary Merle Evers Williams, who has devoted her life to keeping the legacy of Medgar Evers alive, in different things she does, but she also remarried. Her second husband has since passed and it never took away the love she had, even for her second husband is still honoring Metger as her first, and we're going to talk a little bit about that aspect too. But it's just the fact that such a tragedy can lead into something that exceeds every expectation which has me ask the question about when we think about this concept of grief and that grief evolving into a sense of grace and purpose. How have grace and purpose helped to inform the development of widowhood, real talk and the work that you do?
Tina Fornwald:That's an excellent question because I believe in our Western society we only equate someone grieving if they are sad, despondent, in disarray, and once you no longer see someone in the throes of that on an everyday basis, you think they've gotten over that, that they're fine and all that is behind them. Mark's death, transition from this world, will always be a part of who I am. Even though I have remarried and been able to find love again, I hold his last name as an honor to him and the man that I'm, with respects that Every part of my journey has allowed me to be able to lean in and to create space for people to be able to know that they don't have to pretend that they are fine because you only have three days to be off of work and you have to get back into the game of life in the most difficult scenarios and oftentimes people will show up in society as functioning, but when they go home they're staring at the wall or they feel like no one understands. Well, that is why we have a private grief support group that people meet and talk, a private grief support group that people meet and talk, and we have one exclusively for men and we have one that is a mixed group because we just know our men love talking about their feelings and what that looks like.
Tina Fornwald:But I have men that have lost wives and they gather together to connect because they may not want the world to be able to see their pain, but they need a safe space to offload that, to be able to show up in events for people that are specifically designed for their pain and loss and to encourage them and validate that their feelings are real. And this is what grief looks like. It's not five cycles that you just sort of check off a mark and then you go about life. You are learning how to redevelop who you are, and whether it's connecting people with the right mental health professional or recommending books on what to do, because you don't ideally want to stay stuck in that moment. Because the one thing I have learned about grief the only way to move forward is to going through it. The elapsing of time by itself, without any work in your grief, will leave you in the same space.
Alethea Felton:And so, in terms of thinking about widowhood, real talk. When did it? Do you? Well, I'm sure you remember, but what was that turning point or the aha moment that made you decide this is what you wanted to create?
Tina Fornwald:so I'll say I never wanted to. Oh, but what I will say? The way God has directed me and shown me even to be there, the moment of my husband not being here, I'm going to listen to what God directs me. It does not matter what Tina wants to do or not, because from my faith, I have only but one life and I want to make that dash what it was supposed to be in this journey.
Alethea Felton:But the turning point.
Tina Fornwald:My current husband had a cousin who passed and the wife posted on Facebook that it was her husband's birthday and this was the first year and I recall what that looked like for me and I reached out and I texted her and said, hey, would you like to talk? And she said I'll call you tomorrow. I said, but do you want to talk now? And she called me before I feel like I even hit send and we were on the phone until the wee hours of the morning and when I got off the phone with her I could hear God saying what are you going to do about the next phone call? And I said who do you? Who?
Tina Fornwald:Tina, tina's going to bed Ain't nobody, surely calling tonight and the next day I could feel that same pressing of God saying I need you to take what you've experienced and lean in to help others. And that was a conversation with her led into the development of Widowhood, real Talk with Tina and the three areas in which was developed to show up for people. One we go to social media like nobody's business and are funny about the tiktok. Uh, because somebody goes you 58 and you on tiktok and she is and she famous.
Tina Fornwald:Y'all tiktok, she, tiktok famous so social content is because when we're grieving and we don't want someone to see how difficult it is, we still want the information.
Tina Fornwald:So, whether it's the weekly podcast, it is content on six different social media platforms People gain the information that they need. Then I feel like people go OK, I'm kind of comfortable with her, let me jump over to the private Facebook group or participate in our support meetings. And then the third element is different events that we have hosted around someone's mental wellness, because that is the struggle that we have when our loved one is no longer here dealing with our own mental health and coming in terms of what we need to be still functioning and still live, because if we're still here, we still have a purpose, we have a reason for being here. So the transforming of that darkest moment into what that does and to bring light into situation what you've experienced, that I'm sort of reaching back and helping people on their own journey through something that I have experienced and to let them know, even though it is horrific that your loved one is no longer here, you are and your story and your journey is worth living.
Alethea Felton:Something about death that's always fascinated me, and of course, you and I share the same faith. But regardless of our faith, something about just the entire transition period is how we experience life and we grieve a loved one, but it brings me chills to know that one day someone else will grieve us.
Tina Fornwald:Yes.
Alethea Felton:And it's this cycle, because with the time we have here, we make the most of it, but we too will transition one of these days, and what legacy will we leave? And it leads me to even wonder how you speak about how Little Hood, real Talk has helped in the healing journey and process of so many others. But, tina, how has this platform, organization, podcast, events, all of the above how has what God instilled in you to create helped your healing?
Tina Fornwald:process. You know I get that question a lot. Oh, do you?
Alethea Felton:Has this been I'm curious about that. Yeah, it's wild.
Tina Fornwald:I don't say this lightly, but I leaned into my grief 1,000% Okay the one year anniversary of Mark's passing. I stayed in that same hotel because I drove past that to visit my sister when I was still living in Pennsylvania. When I go past that area it was it was just tear me apart and I was like I can't live like this, so I need to deal with this. So I started seeing a therapist the day before I viewed Mark's body. If I was journaling, I was seeing a therapist. I needed to figure out how not to be stuck here. So, as I, I did the heavy lifting intentionally in my grief journey. So what I do now for people and I speak with them, it confirms that my choices were well. When I speak with someone and they are in a state that I know that the choices that I made on my journey, they served me well, and when I recommend them for somebody, even though we all experience life different, some of those same major components are helpful.
Tina Fornwald:It has not done anything on my healing journey as far as further. It, if anything, it takes me back to moments when I was there and remembering more vivid when I talked to someone that just lost their wife or their spouse vivid. When I talk to someone that just lost their wife or their spouse, understood Okay, for me it can be. Yeah, oh yeah, I did hurt that bad. I do remember what that looked like because I will never tell a widow or widower that I know how you feel, because how they feel is unique to them in the relationship of their loved one. I can sympathize and I can surely relate, but I cannot know exactly how they feel. I leave that to their special love and their loved one.
Tina Fornwald:So it has not been a part of my healing journey. It has been a remembrance of that and an honoring of that. And when I do speak with people and they're trying, they're going. Okay, I want to get through this and I'm going to start helping people and I'm like baby. I need you to probably take care of you first, because even though we want purpose out of our pain, deal with the pain, don't run from it. Lean into it and let that pain wash over you and do the work of your own particular grief, because if you are helping someone literally at the moment of your pain, I question if you're able to serve them really well because you have so much work to do for yourself.
Alethea Felton:I really like that answer because I was curious about that, that you know Tina's doing all of this work, but is it helping her healing? But I understand what you've just said because it would make sense that you chose to go all in and then that has coped and thinking about this concept of grace for people who may be unfamiliar or just don't know, and maybe even some Christians who don't know, how would you explain God's grace and what has God's grace looked like in your grief journey?
Tina Fornwald:when I think of the word of God as it relates to widows in Psalm 60, 60, a five, that God is my defender and this is just a little post-it note that I just happened to keep on the side and you asked a question that was relevant to that the realize that God knows my beginning and my end. To realize I had the gift of love. God's grace showed up when he directed me to be there with my husband and I know we only get one time often to listen to God. If I would have said no to that, the grief, the regret, the heaviness, knowing that Mark would have passed by himself and I would not have been there as God directed me, that was his grace showing up A week no, two weeks after Mark passed, I was looking out into our backyard and I was drinking a cup of tea.
Tina Fornwald:My brother had stayed the first two weeks and then a first cousin stayed and this was my first day waking up in the house, just my daughter and I, because my son was in the military. And I looked out into the backyard and Mark was a hunter and there was a styrofoam deer that he used to do arrow practice in and I remember looking out there and going. He is never going to shoot an arrow at that deer again and the reality of that, and I could hear God say the plans that I have for you are good, and I was like I'm not feeling that because, I just come off of recovering for breast cancer and also having an emergency hysterectomy in November and then Mark passed in March and hearing God say that it seemed ill-placed.
Tina Fornwald:But then God gave me 20 different things of how he helped us to prepare for Mark's passing. That in retrospect they all lined up and I never saw them and I said, okay, I'm not a fan of this, but I trust you, God, and what he has done and created opportunities and ways for me to show up for people in a way that I never thought possible, is his grace and mercy upon my life and has kept me well.
Alethea Felton:And trusting God that could be a podcast episode by itself is just having that trust leads to so many more open doors, and so you're trusting God to even make this organization of Widowhood Real Talk exceed even, possibly, what you could have imagined it to be. I mean, there is something to be said about when you walk in obedience, how it totally shifts the entire atmosphere and the world around you, and so, as you're going through this journey of having it created you bring up a great point is that this was created when you were married again, and so, therefore, my question to you is take us on a small journey of sorts into your new marriage. How were you able to open your heart up to love again?
Tina Fornwald:I was visiting a friend that had been single her entire life and she was in her late thirties. And I put down a glass and she started cleaning it up right away. She was moving my coat around and other stuff. I was like Tina, how long are you going to be in this single game before you feel like you may not able to hold space for somebody else? And the reality was I probably need to start dating. But let me be clear, that's not where I started. The first start was my self-care, working on me, leaning into my grief, coming to peace with the reality that Mark was no longer here and praying and saying okay, god, I feel like I have more love to give. But should I?
Tina Fornwald:Because I did not want to have a bad second marriage for the sake of just not wanting to be lonely and wanting to make sure it was going to be someone that was worthy of my time and eventually a whole bunch of swiping left, swiping left, swiping left and realizing with each conversation that I was interested and I was in a space to be able to give someone else my time. And with my therapist talking that through and having those conversations, evaluating it with close family and friends, their thoughts and getting input and just giving myself some place of accountability and realizing not to compare somebody to who Mark was, but was I willing and open to meet somebody where they are as an individual?
Alethea Felton:And, to be quite honest, it sounds like and just knowing you and your personality, I know that you would get with a secure man, because just the fact that your husband is receptive of you still carrying your first husband's name but also creating this organization shows even a man confident in who he is. And so that is one challenge that you didn't have to worry about because it's not a challenge. And I say that because I know personally one friend of mine that comes to mind. She was a widow and she met a new man, fell in love with him and, with the exception of me and maybe a handful of other friends, she got a lot of pushback and negativity for finding love again. And her husband had been dead.
Alethea Felton:She had a lot of children, she had kids to raise, she was doing well, comfortable, but it's the fact that she did go all in, just like you, with her grief, and she remarried. And the irony is I was friends with her husband, we were high school friends, best of friends, but I stayed in contact and it's just the fact she has shared with me all of the pushback she had gotten from other people. And so my question to you is because you are also a coach. You are an empowerment life coach, but if you were talking to either a client or someone in widowhood real talk in general who wanted to remarry and find love again, yet they were experiencing certain challenges from their hood, what recommendations would you give them?
Tina Fornwald:That is a really great question would you give them? That is a really great question. First, I would ask them to remember and to be sure for themselves why they are dating and looking to remarry and to be certain on what that is, and I am a huge proponent of asking people to write it down not just an audible message, but write those words down and remind themselves why they have decided to date and to be clear on those points. The second is I believe that you should have accountability in your circle, because when you have been married, your partner was your accountability partner and so now you may feel like you're floating through life. Have people that will give you the good and bad position. There's nothing wrong because we don't agree. It's just that I've taken the knowledge that you've given me and I've still made my own decision. So the people that they feel like that would be good in their circle, that when you're dating, girlfriend is going to help you.
Tina Fornwald:Look through that website and go, oh girl, that looked like trash right there. That looked really good. Have two or three people. Don't have a yes man, but have people that will be there and give you solid information and, to use that, the naysayers. The one thing I've learned about life ain't going to please everybody, and I was not meant to do that, but have people that will give you sound information. Unfortunately, our society leans in really well to men getting remarried after their spouse transition. Heck, you can find studies where unfortunately not all, but there are statistics showing that women have been left when they have terminal illnesses and the spouse will divorce them and move on to someone else.
Alethea Felton:I've noticed that, yes.
Tina Fornwald:So women know you alive, you're living. I look at it as if I have fulfilled my wedding vows and in doing that, I still have the right to live and continue my journey. Do not allow anyone to guilt, trip you, to make you feel like you were doing something wrong, that you need to stay in this place of muck and mire. Do not allow anyone to put that on you. And if those things and also lean into what your faith is, which I wanted to mention, even though my faith is Christianity Widowhood Real Talk with Tina is a non-religious based organization, no matter what your faith is, it is the pain of the loss of your loved one that we are there to help be in that place with you. It is not based on my particular faith. That is. That organization is there to help the grieving and that's what is important. Those are the things that I would share with someone.
Alethea Felton:And, with that being said, in terms of the challenges aspect, is that you know, as a testament to you, tina, finding love again with a wonderful husband, how has your experience with remarriage shaped your understanding of resilience and vulnerability? And then, what wisdom or insights have you gained that you may inspire others to remain open to finding a new love?
Tina Fornwald:I may ask you to go back to part of that. Yeah, resilience.
Alethea Felton:So how has remarriage shaped even more of your understanding of resilience and vulnerability? I know that you already had it there, but how has it helped to enhance it even more?
Tina Fornwald:Okay, I know we use terms like they were the love of my life. I'll never find anybody else like them again. They were the best thing that ever happened to me. The night that my husband died, my daughter asked me was mark my everything? And I looked at this young woman and I know she wanted a Disney answer. But I had to give her the real answer and I say, although that I love your dad completely, I am the love of my own life. Yes, not somebody else.
Tina Fornwald:It does not take away from my love for Mark, but if he was the love of my life in that instant, what did I have left to live for or live with? I had to declare the truth that I had to be the love of my life, because if my husband, who was dead, was the love of my life, I had nothing left and I could not articulate that or say that, because those words matter and that was the beginning of how I saw what my life continued to live. So that resilience showed up at that moment in choosing to live and, in the same instance, having to make a decision to donate some of his body for other people to continue living. Very sad, but yet realizing, and I think I continue to live into that choice. When I made my heart available to get married to know that love still could exist, that I have the capacity to be vulnerable and to be able to create a new relationship.
Tina Fornwald:Because, going with the same premise, my life is continuing and what living looked like happened to continue to be love. But that looks like hanging out with my sisters, hanging out with friends. It was not the idea of finding love, it was finding myself, who I was, as I now created a life in Mark's absence and what that looked like happened to be the opportunity to have love again, because I started loving myself and making me a priority, and loving yourself just make you attractive to other people whether it's friends, whether it's coworkers, that draws people in that light that we are shining and how we are vibrating in the universe and what we are, it draws people to us.
Alethea Felton:You ain't saying nothing, but a word. Because when you said I am the love of my life, that right there. I am the love of my life, that right there. Oh, baby, when I tell you that is so true, and it's not anything, and people don't misinterpret it, it's not selfishness, it's not arrogance, no, you got to love yourself. And I've even heard people who are like that's vain and it's prideful. No, if I'm created in God's image, I'm a love, who I'm created to be, and it does not diminish anything or take away from anything. What wisdom or insights can you give to someone who wants to open themselves to a new love? Say that they've done all of that self-work and they're ready.
Tina Fornwald:What could you recommend that they do for that next step? I want to say this back to our neighbor the Bible says love your neighbor as you love yourself. So, whether it's your neighbor or your fellow man or woman, if I am not loving me, what do I have to love someone else that loving myself may be forgiving myself. Maybe you feel like I should have done this and my spouse would still be here, but realizing we don't control the universe, whatever it looks like, when you identify that you are not loving yourself, lean into that because that is the origin of where we start. For me, I love myself because I know God loves me. Other people have different faiths and I respect that, but the loving of oneself can be self-destructive if you're trying to do and pour out of an empty vessel to other people and not doing that. To your question of what to do every Tuesday I'm sorry, every Friday I put out a video under dating tips on YouTube and those dating tips are helpful for someone that is a widower. It is helpful for anybody that is dating. So it is literally a playlist about dating, but some of the things that I recommend for people that I know were helpful and other people have found beneficial. First of all, get yourself a DBA phone number, a Google voice, a Google something, some other phone number, and the reason being our phone numbers are connected to our credit report, our work history, our life and when you're out on these dating apps, you don't want someone to have your phone number and have access to you like that, to have your phone number and have access to you like that. The second if you meet someone online, I have found to meet them in the first seven days in person, to know that they are a real person and not being catfished. I'm not a fan of long distance dating because there's too much to be hidden when I'm trying to know who you are. And when you meet someone, meet them in a public place. Meet them in a place where two or three people you have informed them where you are and when you are going to be leaving that space. The first time you meet somebody something over dinner or someplace that is going to be a coffee shop have cash, have your keys and have your phone, leave your purse, put that stuff in a safe space and just genuinely get to meet this person.
Tina Fornwald:The other thing if you are trying to date and looking to find a replacement for your spouse, for your spouse, you ain't ready to date. If you're thinking I want somebody that was just like him, that season has passed. We don't get that anymore. You want to be in a space that you are willing to meet someone on the terms and who they are. And the other thing write down what you're looking for and what's acceptable and not acceptable, because the loneliness of being a widow or widower may cause you to accept something less than what you really want for the sake of just not being alone. But what happens? Eventually you wake up to the reality. This is not what I wanted to be in, but I just did this because I didn't want to be by myself. Then accept that if you're dating for a companionship or something quick, be honest with yourself. But if you're dating for the idea that you want marriage, what does this person look like that you want to get up and spend the rest of your life with them?
Alethea Felton:look, widows are not. Tina. You drop jewels for anybody seeking a relationship, yes, and being open again to to love, and that I gotta snap on that because that was gold. You know, I'm happy with the person I'm with and I can tell you that you have definitely given some wisdom right there, please, so even if you aren't a widow or widower yeah, that right there, you could do relationship coaching in your next phase of life, after you're over this part or when you pass on the torch. Be a relationship guru, because that was really, really great. Thank you, I try to help Indeed. So at the top of the podcast episode, you mentioned a couple of events coming up. Now I will tell you this is going to be released post-August, but you are having an event in August and one in November. In particular, can you tell us about what's coming up in the fall and how people could possibly participate or contribute?
Tina Fornwald:Thank you for that question. As far as the fall, on the second Thursday of every month we have a men's only grief support peer-to-peer group. That is on Zoom and those details are literally on our website. On the last Thursday of the month I host a open grief support group. In that conversation I don't want people to think I don't want to come. It's always going to be sad. Sometimes we're talking about people gardening. Sometimes we're talking about thinking about dating. Sometimes somebody may have just lost a loved one. It is an open conversation where we usually have different topics and we just talk about what we're going to share.
Tina Fornwald:When the holidays come around, it has a way of impacting people in their grief in a way that they often feel like they are sliding backwards in their healing process, but it's just triggering and for that reason in November we have an event called Dealing with Gr the holiday, where I have mental health professionals come together and I believe it is a 90 minute session first five introduction and then we break off into rooms depending on the amount of people that have registered for the event, and those mental health professionals talk about different coping skills and they'll have different topics depending on which one that you want to be in. Maybe it's how to deal with the in-laws during the holidays or how to change what my holidays look like compared to what they were before. We're still trying to work out what the topics will be, but having space to be able to connect with mental health professionals, because I know everyone doesn't have health insurance where they can maybe have a therapist, but they need some insight for some big moments. And then the first Saturday in December we have an event called Surviving the Winter Holidays, because we've almost made it and we're halfway there, Because for some people, Halloween is big and then Thanksgiving is big, and then you would have Christmas and New Year's, and so that Surviving the Winter Holidays is an in-person event that we get together and different sponsors that support the widowhood donate different items that we're allowed.
Tina Fornwald:So, as people are looking to help, we have sponsors opportunity for sponsorship on our website, and then I believe, Christmas, November and New Year's. I do a special online support group for people to participate, because being able to connect with someone before having to go into the holidays is super helpful, and those are listed on our website and also on Eventbrite.
Alethea Felton:Thank you for that. And also, Tina, if say a person isn't in that category of being a widow or widow word, but maybe they want to donate to your organization, Are they allowed to and how about that? Ok?
Tina Fornwald:absolutely. We are a registered 501C3. Widowhood Real talk with Tina and let me say all of those events that I mentioned are for anyone that is grieving. That I mentioned are for anyone that is grieving. I've had people that are dealing with divorce and not to diminish the loss of a pet, a cousin, an aunt or uncle, this is open to the bereaved. This is not limited to someone that is a widow or widower. We have people that donate to us through directly going to our website, widowhoodrealtalkwithtinaorg. You can click a link there and you can donate. We've had anonymous gifts. Paypal has a grant program and you can find us listed there and be able to donate to us also.
Alethea Felton:Okay, thank you for that. A closing question for you. You, tina, in thinking about who you are now, what would Mark say to you if he saw?
Tina Fornwald:who you are and what you are doing today. I'm not a big dreamer. My daughter is, and I know a lot of people have dreams of their loved ones. I am in a house that Mark has never been in and when I closed on the house it was before I got married and I woke up and I went downstairs At least I thought I was but in the dream I was walking with Mark and he was walking through the house and he was smiling and I just saw him nodding his head and I remember sitting on the couch going we good, we good, and I'm not a person that, like I said, has a lot of dreams A lot of people talk about always feel like they're there.
Tina Fornwald:I haven't had that in my grief journey and that gave me a sense of peace. That as well. He was pleased with where I'm going, because I will say this, the other thing that made my journey different I talked about having the conversations about the tough things. Mark and I talked about what one of our lives would look like in the absence of the other, and we were emphatic about the other person living, loving and doing how life would make them happy. So I didn't have to worry that would he disapprove that I was remarried. He would be happy that I figured out how to keep living and loving on my terms of life and knowing that I was well.
Alethea Felton:Tina Formwell, one of the most incredible women I've ever met. It is such an honor to know you and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for your gift in helping so many navigate life and grief and going through this healing journey. I continue to pray nothing but the best for you. I love you and I look forward to us continuing to grow and develop a bond and a friendship. And thank you for gracing us truly with your presence on the power transformation podcast.
Tina Fornwald:Girl, I'm looking for tissue. I was not ready for that. I'm glad I did not put on no makeup. Cause we've been a hot mess. I am. I am grateful for this connection and, and I would like to share, we literally live like within 30 minutes. Yes, we do y y'all. When we can connect in person and go for that walk or get something to eat, it will be a really good discussion and connection.
Alethea Felton:And you have my word that we will. We will make time to do that.
Tina Fornwald:Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be here, thank you for your kind words, thank you for taking time to share your journey with my community and being transparent and open up in a way that I don't think that your listeners have heard before, and to let them know how big transformation and what that really means to you on a personal level. Thank you for the work you're doing.
Alethea Felton:If you enjoyed today's show, then you don't want to miss an episode, so follow the Power Transformation Podcast on Apple Podcasts, spotify or wherever you usually listen, and remember to rate and review. I also invite you to connect with me on social media at Alethea Felton. That's at A-L-E-T-H-E-A-F-E-L-T-O-N. Until next time, remember to be good to yourself and to others.
